Monday, June 11, 2012

Gluten is the Ginger Kid of my Intestinal Playground

New Zealand made me eat birdseed bread. No lie.
Moving on....
Oh, you want the explanation? Well fine, here it is.

2 years ago, I travelled to New Zealand. The night before I was to go home, I hadn't had supper so I had a quiet, unassuming late-night BLT sandwich in the hotel I was staying at in Auckland.
The furry things are actually samurai swords
The next morning, I felt like I was being repeatedly shanked in the stomach with a knife, but I wasn't involved in any coke-deals gone bad. And I was involuntarily evacuating my body out of every orifice my anatomy allows. This is 7 hours before my 14 hour flight to Canada.
Long story short, I miss my flight because I'm in the emergency ward of Auckland City Hospital, being treated for Escherichia Coli infection. Yes, I'm not talking the 'oh shit, they didn't cook the chicken thoroughly so now I have the poops' food poisoning. I'm talking, "CNN Breaking News: So-And-So Product Has Been Recalled Off Of Grocery Shelves Due To Contamination" food poisoning. E.Coli. Anyways, it wasn't pleasant it fucking sucked.

Fast forward to this past week. I'm at the doc's office, and as we're discussing the results of my body juice testing, I make a passing comment about when I had E.Coli poisoning they told me I was extremely low on calcium. She looks up, stares at me and says, "When you what?"

This is her theory. When I got E. Coli and my body violently said, "STOP THE MUTHAFUCKIN TRAIN, EVERYBODY OUT NOW!!!", wearing its dagger-cleats, it strolled out of my body like a riptide and tore the SHIT (no pun intended) out of my small intestine, carving it's name on the walls and dragging it's razor sharp tentacles across the floor. (Of course, she did not use this colorful description, but that's what my mind cooked up.) This damage sustained during Body Evacuation: Bacterial Edition likely created a lot of sensitivity to foods. One of which, being gluten. She said that my body may have already been allergic to gluten, but this damage made my tolerance of it worse, or that my small intestine just has decided that gluten is an irritant and doesn't want anything to do with it. Gluten is the ginger kid in my intestinal playground.

Now, of course, I don't know if that's true, I'm no doctor and she could have just fed me a line of bullshit. It sounds plausible though. Either way, advise was, just stay away from gluten. Maybe try it again in a year or so and see if anything changes, but take 'er easy.

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  1. Hehe, when you said gluten was irritating you, I got a mental image of it waving it's fingers of your small intestine saying "I'm not touching you! I'm not touching you!"

    1. Haha! That's because gluten is a gigantic jerk! :)