Thursday, July 26, 2012


New Clean Eating Magazine Day!!!!

Today my August/September 2012 issue of Clean Eating showed up on my tablet. Which, of course, means fuck yea, more culinary exploration!! And I wasted no time getting started. As soon as I read pg. 51's Spicy Raspberry Balsamic Chicken Breasts, I knew what I would be indulging in tonight.

I had to alter the recipe slightly to accommodate my food allergies. Broccoli never agrees with my stomach, and, of course, my bullshit gluten drama. So instead of Bulgur and Broccoli, I made brown rice and a steamed mixed vegetable medley.

Commonlaw Spouseoid immediately put it on the 'favorites' list. The sweetness of the honey and raspberries is the perfect compliment to the tanginess of the white wine vinegar. And adding the tiniest bit of heat with the chili flakes, no flavor was too overpowering. I think I may have set a land-speed record in eating, it was plate-licking good.

I'm glad that this week, we're back on the healthy eating train. Commonlaw Spouseoid was out of town for 10 days a few weeks ago doing techie brainy stuff for Calgary Stampede. Fireworks, audio, lighting, all that jazz. So while he was gone, I not only ate UBER-HEALTHY, but I ran a lot and worked out a lot.


And I was really excited to see him. It's the longest that we've been away from each other since we started dating, and I missed him terribly. (Didn't help that, since he had been gone, I had read the entire trilogy of "50 Shades of Grey" and watched "Magic Mike", so... you know... there was that too). Anyways, aside from THAT, there was no working out, there were a few celebratory drinks, dinners, late night snack and gab sessions, etc. Couple that with the fact that Snoop Dogg was in town a few days after he came back, and Slash feat. Myles Kennedy and the Conspirators played 2 days after THAT... there were a lot of quick eat and run moments, followed by late LATE night snacks and NO SLEEP. And just when I was feeling SUPER-GUILTY about the destruction of my healthy scheduled lifestyle....


Me and Slash. We're tight. (SQUEE!!!)

And suddenly I regretted nothing, and determined that one week's worth of no sleep, bad eating habits, no breakfasts and no workouts was 100% worth it. Because Slash is basically the coolest fucking cat on the planet. And I can not only scratch something off of my bucket list, but light it on fire and dance on it to the tune of Paradise City, because it was THAT COOL.

(For those of you who are interested, Slash was incredibly kind and sweet. He went around individually, shook our hands, asked our names and personally thanked us for coming to the show, then he signed whatever we wanted and took photos. And then he made sure to say goodbye, and thanked us again for coming. NO SLASH. THANK YOU. He's a true professional and a BLOODY GOD.)

So, now I've (mostly) caught up on my sleep, and can get back on track. Tonight after our delicious Spicy Raspberry Balsamic Chicken, I made a Jerk Marinade from last month's issue of Clean Eating Magazine that I have been DYING to try. It's a clean, low fat/calorie version of Jerk Chicken, and I can't WAIT to try it tomorrow. It's marinading in the fridge right now, the marinade smells divine. I'm thinking of making a Lime-Peanut Slaw that's in the same June/July issue of CE. Not sure if it will pair, but because it's a cold salad and might offset the heat of the jerk chicken, I think it'll be a safe bet. Time will tell! As will my guests.... usually I test a recipe before feeding it to others, but I'm going balls to the walls with this one.
Pre-Puree Marinade
Post-Puree.... Jerk Vomit, no?

Saturday, July 21, 2012

Warning: Rant Territory.

It's certainly not easy to have a significant allergy in this society.

Although it has become much easier and more accommodating, it's unfortunate that some people don't understand what it's like. And why would they? When they can eat whatever they want and not sit on a throne for the next few hours.

Obviously, this is all inspired by recent events, however, not an uncommon occurrence.

"We're going to this pub tonight. You guys are coming."
"Oh, well, they really don't have a gluten free menu at all, so I think I'll eat at home quickly and meet up with you later."
"Uh, they have salad..."

Awesome. Because that's exactly what I really want to eat while everyone else is diving into their wings & beer. I really want to be munching on a pub salad. Which we all know, is made up of iceberg lettuce, a piece of grilled chicken flavored with salt and pepper, a few sliced tomatoes, carrots and cucumbers (if you're lucky), and Kraft dressing. Hold me back, yo.

Who DOESN'T want to go out and pay out the nose for this? Me. That's who.

I think it's common misconception that fit people LOOOOVE generic salads. Like, we sit at home in front of the TV and munch lettuce leaves like they're potato chips. And maybe some people do, (See my previous posts Flippin' For Kale Chips and Kale Chip Chronicles: Pt II). I'm not judging anyone. In fact, maybe that's the secret to that little bit of stubborn belly fat that I can't seem to get rid of. Unless we're talking about a wicked good Asian chicken salad with peanut sauce, or a strawberry balsamic spinach salad, or a cedar planked salmon salad... that's something with some flavor and substance. That's a meal. It's not weak grilled chicken on iceberg lettuce. Now don't get me wrong, I don't expect pubs to start stocking champagne berry mixed field greens. This isn't the establishment's fault.

 My point is, that, when I'm finished a long day's work, I would like to put something in my stomach that
A: Has some kind of nutritional value
B: Satisfies my appetite
C: Tastes relatively good.

And by only having one.... that's right, one option on the menu that was gluten free, I didn't have a choice. Iceberg lettuce with chicken it is. 

If I eat something quickly at home, and then meet up with you after dinner (which would only make me late by about 3/4 of an hour), I shouldn't be treated like I'm an idiot or antisocial. It means that I actually want to fuel my temple so that I can enjoy your company even more, without being distracted with the disappointment of what I'm picking at and the aftereffects of feeling unfulfilled and hungry. Because what did I do when I got home later that night? I binged. I ate anything I could get my hands on that was in the fridge. And then I felt like shit for the rest of the night.

The point of this rant is, don't treat people with distain based on their own concern regarding something that they can't control. I certainly don't want to be gluten intolerant, but I am. At least I have control over how I can handle it. And if it's by altering my lifestyle slightly to accommodate it to live as normally as possible, I shouldn't be looked down upon. It's not like I've hermited myself in my house and don't ever go out. I go out all the time. I think I've done a damned good job of not letting my social life be affected by my new allergy, and most people respect the compromises I have to make. But I don't appreciate being bullied.

I leave you with a link to a hilariously entertaining little site, called Shitty Salad.

That is all.
End Rant.

Saturday, July 7, 2012

General Hooper

Wow, has it REALLY been that long since I've posted anything? Sheesh..

Well, for starters, I've got the motivation to kick my ass back into summer. I got 3 tweetbacks from my hero, the almighty Tosca Reno, and it has absolutely motivated me to shut up and work out! And that's probably why I have been absent, because I have been working on new fun ways to make working out more enjoyable for myself. Also because it's all thunderstormy.

RUNNING: A little while ago, I got back into it. And then my knee started giving me troubles. So I took some time off, let it heal, and then got back to interval running. But instead of pushing myself, I eased into a walking/running routine, and really focused on my pace, my form and my feet.

 I don't think I've ever payed attention to what my body is doing while I'm pounding the path, and the first time that I made myself conscious to my alignment, my body responded with no pain (aside from a bit of stiffness the next day, but that's to be expected after a break)!
I also downloaded a kickass app called "Zombies, Run!" on my Android. It's tres cool. It gives you 'missions' and starts telling you a story, and in between songs on your phone, it propels the story, and you have to outrun hordes and pick up supplies, and then once you're home (like, have physically run home), you can transfer them to your 'base' on your computer. I know, I know, it sounds super-nerdy. But it actually is pretty neat motivation! I'm totally into the story, and want to go for a run so that I can hear more. Hey, whatever gets you out, it's worth it!

I also took up a new hobby. I've got a friend who does hooping. I know, it sounds like one of the Hard Limits of The Contract in "50 Shades of Grey". But it's not sexual, however, I've got some guy friends who would likely beg to differ. It's hula hooping!
I used to hula hoop as a kid, in fact, I did it a lot, and was pretty good at it. We had this 'circus day' in my elementary school, and I was practicing to be 'Super Hooper' (yeah yeah, I would have laughed my ass off as a parent as well). And I hooped with 10 hoops. And I thought I was shizzle-bomb-bizzle. But then I saw my friend hoop as an adult, and she totally kicks my 10 year old ass. She dances, does tricks, and makes all of us that can just make it go round and round our waists look like giant pussies. So I wanna know how to look kickass and cool like her.

I made my own hoop out of 3/4 inch PVC underground sprinkler tubing that Commonlaw Spouseoid had lying around (only HE would be the kind of person where you would say, "I gotta go to Totem to get some 3/4 inch PVC underground sprinkler tubing", and he'd be like, "Oh, I've got miles of that in the garage." OF COURSE YOU DO. HOW STUPID OF ME.). I bought a $0.49 connector, and then Commonlaw Spouseoid brought gaffe tape home from the theatre for me to decorate it with. Voila. My own custom hoop.

And after hours of backyard training, I knocked my glasses off of my face 3 times, almost lost it over our backyard hill 5 times, hit the window 1 time, and got countless bumps and bruises on my hips, arms, ribcage, face and legs.... I can now do the 'lift up' and the 'corkscrew down'!! Even though they look clumbsy and not graceful in the least. But it's a start. Anyways, it's a GREAT ab workout, very challenging!

Monday, June 18, 2012


I've been blahging a lot about food recently. Because food is delicious, and I've been going through a bunch of bullshit regarding gluten and whatnot, so it's been forefront in my mind.

 But now it's time to talk about fitness.

So in April and May, I worked my skinny white ass off running, zumba-ing, doing ab excercises and all like, 10 pushups I had worked myself up to. Because I had this crazy-wild project I was working on. I have an amazingly talented friend who is a bodypainter, and she had this great idea to do a nude bodypaint session using blacklight paint. And then have a super-amazing photographer of my choice do a photoshoot using blacklights. Yeah, I know. Badass as Hell.

Thankfully, the body painter is a good friend of mine, and through the power of theatre, has likely seen me nude (or damned close to it) many times backstage. So the awkward scale was dramatically reduced. It was tickly and cold, and lots of FUN.

All of the hard work paid off, and the photoshoot ended up AMAZING. Ming Loo is the most talented photographer that I know, and DeeDee's Facepainting is... well, the pictures speak for themselves.

So after all of my hard work, I've fallen from the workout train. I mean, I haven't gained anything, but I haven't resumed my maintenance either! Where did those lovely abs go!? Time to find em again. And I know JUST the way:

LIKE, OH MY GOD YOU GUYS!! I TOTALLY got a part in the chorus of Legally Blonde: The Musical!!! So it's time to whip my ass into shape. Get this gluten crap sorted out, keep with the Lean, Mean, Clean and GlutenFree, and get stretchy again! Summer fun, here we come!

I started by planning out my week's meals.

Individual veggie bowls for every day of work this week for snacks, I made a HUGE Roasted Vegetable Egglplant Parmesan from pg 180 of The Eat-Clean Diet Cookbook 2 by Tosca Reno that I can warm up this week for lunch or quick suppers, baggies of almonds and cranberries, and a meal plan for this week.

Now if only this weather would cooperate so that I can go for a run! My city has been blasted by rain and thunderstorms this week, which really should be no excuse... but you know. I get cold easy, I'm a skinny bitch.

Sunday, June 17, 2012

Phallic Foodstuffs

Honestly. Are there many things funnier than phallic looking food??

This is one of the reasons that I usually have a butternut squash sitting in the middle of my kitchen island for decoration. It's just such a good lookin' gourd.

I saw this bad boy at The Market Center one day, and I had to have it. I realized that my life could not go on unless that DongSquash came home with me. And it did.


And it has been a glorious ornament on my island for a little while now. But, the time comes where, unless you want to end up on one of those unwatchable episodes of Hoarders, you need to put it to use, and make something delicious.

I decided to roast him, and use him in Butternut Squash Soup, from the Eat-Clean Diet Cookbook by Tosca Reno.

I sliced him in half, and then spent 15 minutes giggling my head off and taking pictures. It was PERFECT.

I then put my adolescent self away, and put him in the oven alongside some garlic and onions. After 45 minutes, I took him out.

And then my adolescent self returned for another round of giggling and pictures.

It keeps getting better and better

 Finally, I scooped it out and put it in the pot along with the garlic, onions, vegetable stock and lime juice. Let it simmer for 15 minutes, and pureed it.

Thankfully, it tasted delicious. Entertaining dinner, thy name is DongSquash.

(I realize there's really nothing of value in this post. Just pictures of a squash that looked like a wang. Because that's how I roll.)

Monday, June 11, 2012

Gluten is the Ginger Kid of my Intestinal Playground

New Zealand made me eat birdseed bread. No lie.
Moving on....
Oh, you want the explanation? Well fine, here it is.

2 years ago, I travelled to New Zealand. The night before I was to go home, I hadn't had supper so I had a quiet, unassuming late-night BLT sandwich in the hotel I was staying at in Auckland.
The furry things are actually samurai swords
The next morning, I felt like I was being repeatedly shanked in the stomach with a knife, but I wasn't involved in any coke-deals gone bad. And I was involuntarily evacuating my body out of every orifice my anatomy allows. This is 7 hours before my 14 hour flight to Canada.
Long story short, I miss my flight because I'm in the emergency ward of Auckland City Hospital, being treated for Escherichia Coli infection. Yes, I'm not talking the 'oh shit, they didn't cook the chicken thoroughly so now I have the poops' food poisoning. I'm talking, "CNN Breaking News: So-And-So Product Has Been Recalled Off Of Grocery Shelves Due To Contamination" food poisoning. E.Coli. Anyways, it wasn't pleasant it fucking sucked.

Fast forward to this past week. I'm at the doc's office, and as we're discussing the results of my body juice testing, I make a passing comment about when I had E.Coli poisoning they told me I was extremely low on calcium. She looks up, stares at me and says, "When you what?"

This is her theory. When I got E. Coli and my body violently said, "STOP THE MUTHAFUCKIN TRAIN, EVERYBODY OUT NOW!!!", wearing its dagger-cleats, it strolled out of my body like a riptide and tore the SHIT (no pun intended) out of my small intestine, carving it's name on the walls and dragging it's razor sharp tentacles across the floor. (Of course, she did not use this colorful description, but that's what my mind cooked up.) This damage sustained during Body Evacuation: Bacterial Edition likely created a lot of sensitivity to foods. One of which, being gluten. She said that my body may have already been allergic to gluten, but this damage made my tolerance of it worse, or that my small intestine just has decided that gluten is an irritant and doesn't want anything to do with it. Gluten is the ginger kid in my intestinal playground.

Now, of course, I don't know if that's true, I'm no doctor and she could have just fed me a line of bullshit. It sounds plausible though. Either way, advise was, just stay away from gluten. Maybe try it again in a year or so and see if anything changes, but take 'er easy.

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Wednesday, June 6, 2012

Back on the Track

Rollercoaster, thy name is Zombiegyrl's Life.

I've been going through ups and downs with this Gluten-Free stuff as it is. This past week has been a hard one. I'm in a theatrical production that has been unorganized and chaotic since day one and it was opening weekend last weekend, so I've been max stressed out for weeks about that. Top that off with my grandfather's death last week, it's been hectic and stressful. But add a major new allergy that I'm struggling with sorting out to the equation, and all Hell breaks loose.

The problem has been that, haven't had the time to cook or meal-plan. So when it's tummy-rumble time, I've been getting frustrated and confused with what to make, and then throw up my arms and say "Fuck it!" and I resort to grabbing something small that's already pre-fab like GF crackers with homemade salsa, or veggies, or a quick salad... well, since it hasn't been very fulfilling, I get snacky later on. And when I get snacky, I get more frustrated. And when I get frustrated I suggest picking up ice cream. Or pizza. Or something that is the opposite of healthy.

SO. Time to regroup. Saturday I made one of my favorite recipes, Gluten-Free Taco Bowls. It was in the Jan/Feb 2012 Edition of Clean Eating Magazine, and I continually whip out my tablet to find the recipe, because it's just SO DAMNED GOOD.

Last night, I was all ape-shit excited about the brand new food processor I had just purchased, so I made Salmon with Sun-dried Tomato Tapenade and Lentils with Swiss Chard (Both from The Eat-Clean Cookbook by Tosca Reno). Then I made enough hummus to feed the Canadian Military. I love my new food processor.

AND I've been excited about cooking with all of the yummy fresh herbs I've been growing on my deck. I can't grow a proper garden because my house is Deer Foodcourt, and they're a bunch of pricks and eat everything they can wrap their furry mouths around. And when you walk up to them to say, "Get the hell out of here! Those are MY ROSES!" they just chew slowly and look at you like a defiant teenager as if to say, "I'll eat whatever I damned well please." and then you do the 'shoo! shoo!' thing at them and they slowly turn around and walk away, and if they didn't have hooves, I'm pretty sure they'd give you the finger too. Because they're a bunch of pricks.
So anyways, FRESH HERBS! I'm growing cilantro, chives, rosemary, salad greens, orange thyme, lemon thyme, spearmint, mojito mint, peppermint, parsley, dill, oregano and Italian basil. I'm also trying to grow potted tomatoes, peppers and chili peppers, but I seeded them quite late, so I might be eating fresh salsa in September. Best laid plans...

So now, it's time to meal-plan. Or at least have something healthy on hand that I can whip up quickly when I'm pressed for time, or not in the mood to cook. Also, once this production is finished, it'll be summer, which means three things. Road construction, no hockey, and PLENTY of beautiful weather for working out OUTSIDE! Rockin' summer bod, here I come!

(Oh. Oh yeah. You see that? Moroccan Chicken and Lentils from the
Eat-Clean Diet Cookbook. Tonight's masterpiece. It's okay to be jealous.)